A Still Life Gone Cinema Verite

What's With Today Today?

Tue, 19 May 2009 05:03:16 GMT

Oh yeah, updates on people. I am so over Matt. He is over and done with, but I stil had fun hanging out with him and Shiho. Though I think that will be the last time for that. I finally explained all the shit he's pulled to her, and made her angry in that good, no longer feel bad about yourself way. I feel better too. Finally, not conflicted!

Assishness is assishness.

Also, Shinobu hasn't been hanging out with me. We have a pile of movies to watch together!!!!! She can't stop liking me now, the movies deserve to be watched! Overreacting, she and I talked today and it was good, but she doesn't seem to want to hang out anymore. Booh.

So I asked the light of the day, what's this rush for heaven?

Tue, 19 May 2009 04:50:42 GMT

LeakyCon and Anime Boston in one weekend and I am attending neither! Well, Alex, whom I geeked out with last year is not very communicative anymore. But I shall still hang out with zuzuanni and get schnokered hopefully, maybe even catch some wrock that one does not need a pass for. Shiho plans to sell Japanese stuff, with my help of course, so it's a pity we were too late for the dealer's room this year. Yay hello kitty face masks to prevent the pig flu! Scared parents are fun. Is it wrong that the only things that really interest me about AB are the many wondrous stuffs you can buy and the chance to sing in Japanese? Well, and sometimes the Japanese bands. Damn it, I need karaoke! I've already got Sakura Sake (by Arashi) mostly down, and Sho-kun's rap part is damn hard. Rapping about the flowers that are us. Waiting to bloom. With love. Heehee! I swear, if Japan weren't so damn misogynistic and conformist in its culture, I would already be living there. Still, if Yuki and Hide do still get hitched this year, Akihabara, here I come! I'll go trolling for nice, dorky but socially-ept boys.

In other news, therapy goes well. Doing the Internal Family Systems thing again, and, as before, it works for me. Maybe the divide between what I know in my head and how I feel can be breached after all. I also joined a DBT group. The skills are kick-ass, but, well, a lot of people don't seem to grasp the concept, and, *sigh*, the one guy in the group insists on walking me home every time and asking me to coffee. I hate when I feel not listened to. Awkward, and of course I blame myself. Do I ever not? Well, honestly, yes, sometimes I don't. Almost had to go into day treatment cause I was so freaked out. Apparently I have a thing with feeling "trapped", and yes, issues with pleasing the opposite sex, go those too.

I would just decide to sleep with girls, but lately I've been more attracted to guys again.

But seriously, I feel ashamed because a guy asked me out inappropriately? That is so not right. I think I shall blame my parents....

Enough of the mess, it is just bred by the boredom. Need to hang out with more people, *ahem*, Smar and other localites? That would be a cleverly disguised invitation.

I think I shall begin drinking Mike's on a regular basis. Tastes like being 17 again....

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 23:34:08 GMT

After a bad week or so, my mood is back up. I talked to Daniel and am spending 4 days in Toulouse this summer, now I just have to plan my time in Lyon and Munster. Progress is a good thing. Also, had a lot of fun seeing <> last night, and I am very glad I was able to make it, even though I arrived at the end of things. I have a paper to write today and tomorrow, so of course I'm updating here instead. Procrastination is fun, up to a certain point.

Now, I get serious for a second.

Grrr on so called male feminists who use their ideology to give themselves excuses. If you are drunk and come on to a girl, who is also very drunk, and have consensual sex, but don't remember it later (this is not about me, don't worry) can you really claim it's the same as rape? When friends of mine who are female have been through similar situations, it has usually been less consensual than I know this particular case was, AND they never once called it rape. I'm not saying it's not a gray area, or that they wouldn't have the right to. I'm saying trying to act all post-feminist about it doesn't work, for while it is quite possible, if not as common, for a man to be taken sexual advantage of by a woman, the social ramifications of the two are still different. They shouldn't be, but as most people still seem to think that women can lose something through sex, or rape, and men can gain something by either, we are not living in a world where the expectations of our genders do not affect us. This is not to say the social constructs of gender are right, just that they tend to affect men and women differently, as they are designed to. Plus, I protect my friends. I was up for a while last night trying to figure out why this bothered me so, and I realize now that it wasn't just friend loyalty, which would be reason enough for it to bother me. However, it was an interesting thing to be on the other side, to be loyal to the one accused of sexual misconduct. But, especially as more and more friends join the ranks of the sexually abused, when I have friends who have been told they can't even prosecute their rapist because they didn't have enough bruises, his comments were callous, conveniently naive, and just plain inaccurate, I feel.

Can you tell I was pissed off? Yay for not turning anger inward! Feel free to comment if what I said strikes you wrong, I would love to discuss this.

Also, I so need a cat of my own.

Can money pay for all the days I've lived awake but half asleep?

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 04:07:20 GMT

So I kinda caved when Matt came over to talk, cause he just looked so sad when he realized he had broken our friendship. Then again, he tried to convince that it is totally normal to make fun of fat chicks, and that ANY guy would make fun of his friend for screwing one. Wow. I think I feel my backbone regrowing as I type. I miss hanging out with him, really, but seriously? Who wants to be around that kind of hate? And he says he has the right to hurt people basically cause he's been hurt, and was picked on as a kid. Shiho so did not get the raw end of the deal when he dumped her. And yet, I can't help but remember his good points, and it just makes me sad.

In good news, my insurance came through, and will actually pay for all my medications!!!! Waaaahooooo!!!! Wait, that is me being psyched with an insurance company for doing the right thing. Eh well, still happy.

I think I ate fruit and veggies so sparingly that now when I eat a lot of them, my digestion rebels. My tummy hurts cause I ate so many apples. Wah! How am I supposed to get healthy when eating healthy makes me sick? Grrrrrr. And other various sounds. It's amazing how feeling physically crappy screws with your mental health. Then again, I've just pulled myself out of another low, pretty darn quickly actually.

In other news, I finally e-mailed my prof. with a new schedule for finishing up my incomplete. A less crazy one. Kudos to me. The chocolate covered ones.

Has anyone else noticed this has become my personal pep-up space? Well, it's still better than 100% depressing all the time. Joie radio. Had a QotSA flashback there.

So, anywho, love to all, and to all a good night.

You learned it from your mother, and her from her mother before.

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 02:27:35 GMT

hahahaha. My roommies are laughing at me, cause my glasses fell off my face cause they were already broken in one place, and they broke at the bridge, and the lens fell out. I had to search for it with a flashlight. Thank the gods that Shinobu likes fixing small things with scotch tape.

I'm also listening to the Moulin Rouge version of "Like a Virgin", and I never really realized how hysterical it is. There's a part where a character is screaming "Like a virgin!" repeatedly in a very high voice. Most excellent. Listen to it now, I command you! With stripey feet do I command you.

And how much do I love talking about gender with people from other countries? As frustrating as it is, talking with Shiho was great! And we watched Les Triplettes de Bellville, which I hadn't seen in the longest time. This means I remembered another song that I lost with my old computer, so yays! I can get it now!

Also, my therapist and I are starting to get each other. It's kinda reassuring when someone actually points out that my issues come from somewhere, that they weren't all constructed by me. That I actually learned some things from the complete lack of healthy boundaries with my parents. I know blaming your parents is a cop out, but as someone who tends to think of everything as her fault (Stone used to make a game of it with me. "Tornadoes?" "My fault." "The Black Death?" "Oh, totally my fault." I could come up with elaborate reasons why too.) Guess it's a much practiced skill. Oh, that makes it less funny to me. Anywho, without blame, I can finally start to see my behaviors as learned, and try learning new ones. It's scary, but to actually imagine a world in which I am myself and think of my own needs instead of just other people's, where I can actually really believe I am good, is like imagining not being caged and contorted with no way to get free. I can't even imagine how wonderful it would be to live without that weight. If I rock this much now, think of how awesome I could be then! Sorry, self pep-talk.

And mind-reading, what's up with that? I mean the negative and destructive assumptions you make about how people view you, without any evidence, not psychics. I was in a low place for a couple days, and seriously, therapy is so the answer, at least for me. And friends. I love my wonderfully imperfect friends because they teach me to love my wonderfully imperfect self. In other news, I so agree with those commercials that say that depressed people would so much rather have a visible sickness. It's hard to explain to people why I'm going on disability. Mais, courage mon amour. Believing in self: engaged. At least for the moment. And I will try to live in the moment, thanks to Cecile. And Xtina. God, I love the people I love!

Now, I have cannelloni in the microwave, so I must bid you adieu, dear journal and journal friends.

But what good is a heart gone jaded?

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 03:37:43 GMT

By the way, Shinobu likes Austen adaptations too! And she's almost as into anime and manga as I am! Squee!!!

Updates, yes. I finally got all my paperwork in for disability, and I e-mailed my prof about my paper, and she was like, relax, you have a whole year to complete the work technically! Woo-hoo!!! Responsibleness, check!

In the less Woo-hoo parts of my life, I have a sprained ankle and, apparently a fatty liver. Zuzuanni has suggested that my liver be sold on the black market, so I will have to beware of poachers/hunters. Foie gras. Ew. So alchy is largely banned, and I may have to change one of my psych meds. And forced losing of the weight is kinda scary to me, but timely I suppose. Last year even I would have freaked out a lot more about it. I read all my old posts with my codewords for my unhealthy behavior, and I guess it proves to me that I've made a ton of progress. Actually having to give myself credit? Kinda cool if uncomfortable.

Plus, I have awesome friends. So that helps a lot.

In more of the uncool though, my insurance has decided I need prior authorization for my more expensive medications. Way to go privatized health care! So now I have to try to get my step-mom to get me samples. But I actually talked to her today, and realized that she wants my love as much as I want her to treat me well. Maybe someday I'll even talk to her about my feelings someday. Who knows. I'm so angry at my parental figures about the past that it scares the bejeezus out of me. But, I'm finally beginning to think of dealing with that somehow, instead of just turning it all on myself. Hmmm. Too serious. But still, that is a hell of a lot of progress. Gee, just look at me being positive!

Kinda creepy actually. But since I do not fear being seen as vapid, (don't even get me started on Mr. You Act Like a Ditsy Co-ed, who I have finally decided is not charming enough to get away with the shit he does. Is anyone THAT charming? I think not) I think being happy more is really ok with me. Much, much more fun. Ooh, and watch as I draw mature boundaries and set limits with people who treat me badly.

Is this getting sickly self-pep-talky? Ah well, Dollhouse premieres tomorrow!!! So excited!!!!!!

Are you out there? Can you hear me?

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 02:26:07 GMT

I thought it fitting that I return with a Dar Williams reference.

I need to upload new userpics! Oh yeah, and hi to anyone who is still out there in my lj community. I don't even want to know how long it's been since I wrote. I figure at least a year and a half. Soooo.... Yuki went back to Japan, as she is planning to marry Hide (oh the scary. It's not that I don't think he's great. More that I have issues with the mentality she has to live with that an unmarried girl of 27 had better get going and start a family, oh just don't get me started about the depressingness of America being a bastion of Feminism). But hopefully I'll save up enough money, from where I don't know, to go to Japan for their wedding. And Shiho moved out a month or two ago. She was sick of the landlord, Moe. Is there anyone who is not sick of a misogynist who likes to come into the apartment without asking and never fixes anything, but thinks he can swear and yell at me all he likes? Wow, I like run-ons. So the couple is still here, but Karina is now friendly, at least to girls, and we talk and get this, laugh. I know, weird huh? I have a new roommie, Shinobu (yes, she's Japanese too. No, I did not try to get another Japanese roommate) who loves Buffy and Angel, and has seen a ton of my DVDs. She's sweet and hangs out with me when I'm bored. We have still to watch Dr. Horrible together, but it shall come, I swear. If you, by any remote chance, have not seen Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, I command you to go to Hulu at once and watch it. Oh, how you will thank me. My brother gave me the DVD for Christmas, wonderful present giver that he is. He also gave me a gift certificate to buy the second Whomping WIllows cd. God (if she exists) bless my dorky, non-judgmental brother who has decided he wants to talk to my therapist to see what he can do to help me get better. I can't decide whether the fact that I'm really, really touched means I expect too little of people. I'll go with no for now.

I survived another holiday season. No, it was not fun. No, I could not muster up the mask of happiness or interest even when at the annual Russian Chrismukah party. But I went. God I do so much better on my own.

Enough of that. I am doing so very well. I didn't write my paper this week for my Beyond Heterosexuality incomplete, and you know what? I made the choice to just stay happy. I love that that is sometimes a choice now. I fall back, but I keep getting up again. *cue inspirational montage* Wait, that was way too close to Chumbawumba. Mostly, I have knocked down the last refuge of all that protective self-hatred by actually going on a date. Or something. The point was, I faced fears, and I'm even letting myself feel good about that.

In other news, I am applying for disability, which might finally give me the chance to work out my issues once and for all and work on myself without so much financial pressure. It will take 3-6 months, and not really give me anywhere near enough to live on, but still, it could help. I can stop trying to do things that I'm not ready for and pushing myself so very hard and having to deal with everyone acting surprised when I fail repeatedly. Breaking that cycle seems very nice to me. Joy actually giving herself a break? So unusual! Joy talking in the 3rd person, not unusual at all. You know, reading my old entries has given me even more perspective. I'm verging on truly content with myself. Weird. And nice.

A New Drinking Game? or Prefects Are Really Freakin' Hot

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 06:54:50 GMT

I am an addict now. Oh, don't worry, not that kind. No, no. My recent addictions are far more insidious. That's right, first off, I have discovered www.mysoju.com and have been watching season 2 of Hana Yori Dango soooooo much. All day on my day off. I'm almost finished. Of course, before that it was season 4 of The L Word, and before that Liar Game. And now I have spent the last hour and a half playing Guitar Hero. Soooo much fun. Ok, I'm still on easy, but hooo hoo hoo, I have finally gotten to the point where I get the concept, so I'm steadily improving. Yay for when Smar gets back, for we shall have little time and much to do. Daniel also got me super mario kart for Christmas, so the video game fun continues. In the meantime, did I use any of my one day off this week to study for my Japanese exams? Not bloody likely. Not yet anyway. I must get chikaku to my textbook soon. *Tuk* I think the drinking game that Vanessa and I made up for Fushigi Yuugi will work just fine for Hana Yori Dango, with a few alterations of course. It mostly involved us drinking whenever someone cried out the name of the person they were in love with. Try it and you will see how effective it is with Japanese dorama as well. But I think every time Domyouji hits someone, yells "AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!" or calls a girl ugly, I should also drink. Maybe I shall put this to the test.

In other news, zuzuanni has ensnared me more into the world of wizard rock, and I have become obsessed with The Whomping Willows and The Moaning Myrtles today. With a side of Draco and the Malfoys (come on, "Tom Felton's Kinda Hot" and "My Dad Is Rich" are awesome songs!). So I command you, go to youtube right now and listen to some wonderfully giddy-making music. You won't regret it.

Shiho went back to Japan for two months, but her friend is supposed to be moving in, though she has yet to call me for the key. I have been working far too much, but at least making some decent money. Working at Park Plaza and then New Year's right after was scary. So, yes, I spent my New Year's Eve working. Oh, me.

Did you know that the name for the stuff you cough up when you're sick is sputum? WHat an appropriate word. All the same, I am not sick, except when I cough, it comes out brownish green. NOT a good sign. So I go see my doctor next week, if I can get off work, and she will probably just say, "Stop smoking!!!". Easier said than done.

My fingees get cold, but I hope to write soon. Now, back to the wonderful F4 of myth and legend. Must watch all the episodes!

But you know they call me Moaning Myrtle for a reason. Hee!

Of all the weird crappy behavior....

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 21:01:03 GMT

So I just had to post about this. I ordered some manga from Amazon and it never came. Well, one book came, but that was the one that was actually put in my mailbox. So eventually, I called up amazon, they sent me another set, and apoligized profusely. I had, of course, checked with the post office. And they said, well, would anyone want to steal your package. And realizing that this was Yaoi, or rather BL manga (that`s guy on guy action for those of you who have not discovered its wonder yet), I laughed. Well, I said to several friends, if they opened it, they probably would have put it right back. Well, sort of. I just went down to check if some cds I ordered came in, and I thought, well, maybe I`ll check the trash room just in case. Did I find my cds? No. But I did find one of the manga, in an opened amazon box. Let me emphasize that I there were 3 books in that order. So someone in my building not only likes to steal, but took all but that one book. Which I really just cannot understand, as it was, I thought, one of the better ones I ordered. So someone has new coffee table books that are a great conversation starter (oh, so you like guys, do you? Oh, I just stole these from a neighbor on a lark.)or has been inaugurated into the world of BL, for their own good. Not what I was expecting, but hey, now miss Xtina gets free smut for xmas. She will be much pleased.

In other news, I had to go to the hospital Monday night because of a high fever. I have been diagnosed with acute bronchitus, which they suspect is at least one viral infection and a bacterial infection, because my white blood cell count was rather high. So I finally get time off work to sit around and cough my lungs out. Oh, the me.

Of course, this means I have to worry about those Edie Carey CDs, which should have come by now. Screw!

I wish I was as cool as Yuki Eiri.

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 05:14:34 GMT

So here I sit, again on the porch, for the use of Shiho`s computer and the internet. Someday I too will have a lap top. Did you know there is a Gackt song called Pappa lapped a Pap Looped? Or something like that. Look for it on You Tube, I command you! Actually, my new favorite Gackt song is Emu~For My Dears. But what does that have to do with the price of eggs.

I don`t feel so well. I thought that you should know. I thought that you should know that I don`t feel so well. Anywho, yes, I have missed classes now, and yes, my therapist and I won`t be seeing each other much longer (because she`s doing a research study), but hey, I keep making it to work, even if I am perpetually late. Otherwise, not much to tell. Thanksgiving is coming up, which means working even more than usual, and a hectic visit to my mom`s.

Watched Firefly with Daniel. Good man. And am a bit tipsy. And mustmemorize around 40 japanese words and do 10 pages in the workbook. Bah. Meh. And other three letter sounds.

The Beautiful, Much Missed Prose of Joie

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 18:01:59 GMT

WHAAATTT???? or rather, since I am now taking a course in Japanese and feel liscensed to use the few words I know NANI?!!! Or, because I write on roommmate of goodness` japanese compy, AUGGGHHHHH, the hiragana is right on the keys, but I can`t get it to type it!!!!!

Anywho, the what was for Joie actually updating her LJ. So, in the time that I haven`t written, I almost quit my job and got made bartender, and now am the senior bartender *gulp*. Maybe I should study the menu more. They are still scheduling me way too much, though.

In family news, mom almost died several times, and was revived. She has a heart condition it turns out. But she is accepting medical treatment (FINALLY!!!) and is so much better now. But the months of hospitals were very hard, and I didn`t feel much like writing. Plus KT says she never checks LJ anymore, and if she is not here, my heart weeps.

And yet I return, mine is an evil laugh. That needed a semi-colon, but since I am on the Shiho`s compy since I once again do not have internet (we can only get it on the porch now) I do not want to figure out how to make a semi-colon.

In roommate news, god, I have not written in a year, literally, Neil left in Febuary and was replaced by the wondrous Shiho, who gets all excited when I tell her the Japanese I`m learning (I am taking a course at Harvard Extension). Sussanne left to return to Germany for good at the end of July. he was not so gloriously replaced. With my mom sick, and work, and going a bit crazy thanks to all of it, my landlord found tenants before I did. That`s right, tenantS. Which would be fine, I could live with an extra person using the bathroom, but he hits her, so all is not well. On the bonus side, though, Eric moved out in September because the landlord didn`t like his extra-curricular activities. He still owes me $76. He was replaced, again by the landlord, with Harry, a Prof at BU in International Law who was from China. He didn`t last long. Mo said it was because we were so filthy. Screw him. But the new roommie, as of three weeks ago, is Daniel, from Lyon, who is quite lovely. We have a Monday night routine of watching Heroes and getting drunk with Shiho and her boyfriend, Matt. Who is very young, but has a good heart.

The compy is running out of power, so I write more next time.

Kitty huggles to all of you!!!

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 00:08:32 GMT

I find myself a sad kitty. Oh, in case I have not talked to you by phone lately, I still do not have internet. Booh on the world.

I am actually at my mom's, which means there are kitties, plural, around. Yet I feel not cheered one whit (wit?). I guess part of it is that my job is exhausting and stressful, and doesn't leave me enough time to do important things like see my therapist or work out. Or eat regularly. Also, with this feeling that I'm killing myself working (my knees seem to want to mount a rebellion and swell until they rupture my skin and can be free, and it's been almost a year and my shoulder still hurts like a son of a mother and I'm looking at six more months of physical thereapy) I'm not even making ends meet, especially now that I have health care taken out of my paycheck. But I need health insurance so I can not die, and money to live, but I feel like this is not much of a life. I don't have the energy to study (must improve me brain meats!) or do much more than get through the day right now.

So, I have a plan. Or a bit of a plan anyway. I will get internet and begin looking for other jobs. I will tell work I can't work doubles anymore (it's gotten to the point where they just assume I can do it and don't even ask, as there is no one else who wants to work these shifts) and that I need a day off on a set day of the week so that I can go to group.

On a similar note, Thanksgiving itself was fine, as I took Smar and me roomie Suzanne with me to the crazy Russian fest. They were my barricade. Plus thee was Pavlova, and many veggies. But the constant guilt trips from my mom about not spending the day with her, and the incessant attempts to control everything in my day to day life by my parents have me at wit's end. I miss Montreal soooooooooooo much!!! It's not even that I have a full handful of friends there, I have more down here, but I simply cannot take being made to feel guilty all the time. I can't wait to at least be back in my apartment in Washington Square. Watch some Buffy w/ Suzanne, drink some cider jack, smoke sheesha..... My mother either makes me want to punch something or cry. My father is not any better, and my brother ran away to LA and left me to deal with it.

The worst part is that they are getting so old. I know they aren't going to be around that much longer, so I just take what they dish out because I want to be around them while I can. It scares me so much. But then, I've been living with the shadow of it all my life.

Okay, enough whining. Good things about present life, yes. First off, I love many of the people I work with, and even the girl I hate is becoming less evil. I have health care, as I mentioned. Now if only they'd get the card to me so I can use it. I love Suzanne, my German roommate, and Eric is quite nice. Neil, I never see, so that's fine as well.

I bought a capelette (sp?) trimmed in mint green at Target. My sister says it makes me look like a Victorian lampshade. I take that as a great compliment.

I party with the work folk, and I generally feel well liked.

Smar is around, and she is so cool I am shocked that she likes me too.

I have so much downloaded stuff that i will probably get internet before I make it through half of it. Watched recently: Mirage of Blaze OAV, Les Poupees Russes, the first episode of Rome, Tarnation, and god knows what else.

And I have become far too good a spider solitaire.

Mon, 21 Aug 2006 02:14:03 GMT

Sooo.....

I know I should update more often, but the times when I have free time are when I have no one to play with, and then I get all lonely, mopey, and complain a lot. But even though today was a day off from work, and my plans with Abby fell through due to stupid transit on Sundays and me oversleeping, I have read way too much manga today (is there such a thing as too much manga? I think not) and as such am in an acceptable mood. So yes, I have a job, which I was in danger of losing, but seem not to be now. That is good. I have to move out in a week or so, and I don't have anywhere to move to yet. That is not good.

But I am interviewing for a room tomorrow. We shall see if they pick me.

My main beef is that almost all my friends seem to be away. Or busy with boyfriends and such. And their jobs. Silly 9-5ers.

Otherwise, life is, well, good enough, I think.

Plus the amazing miss k is coming back to town, so I have future fun in store.

Not an eventful entry, but one nonetheless.

And I wish I had a digital camera.

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 06:55:07 GMT

So I was outside, sitting on the steps behind the apartment I am subletting for less than two months, when I heard some rustling. Being the people-fearing person that I am, I straightened up and attempted to see who was coming. It was a big puff-ball of a raccoon, who proceeded to cross behind the building next to mine, and walk right up to me. Now, I may have wanted to pet it, but society has trained be well in the danger of wild animals, and rabies, so instead, as it seemed to not be slowing much in velocity, as it neared my foot, I moved my other leg. The poor thing scrambled about two feet away and attempted to climb the smallest sapling around, but could only get about a foot off the ground. From there it balanced on the branched and cautiously moved out to look at me. That raccoon was a balancing fiend, I tell you, for these were more like twigs. Still, it moved a bit closer. I said hello, and apologized for scaring it. It slowly got down and returned from whence it came. Or so I thought. For a few minutes later I turned around at the sound of rustling and saw it had taken the neighbouring stairs up so it could come around behind me. And sniff a lot. Maybe raccoons are attracted to smoke. Then it went away.

*Scene*

My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean

Thu, 08 Jun 2006 18:38:46 GMT

My dad suggested that I am not open to working as much as he'd like because I actually didn't think being a super-model would be a reasonable career choice for me. Just as he has suggested car mechanic and nurse and (for the 40th time) vetrinarian, he suggested model as the career choice I should make. I implied that I did not wish to be eating disordered, and the rest is history.

Also, it looks like I have a job. At the new Finale location in Coolidge Corner. Which is right near the new Good Vibrations locations, which is also hiring. How happy would Joy be to work at both? Very happy. My friends are mostly aghast that I would want to work at a woman-run sex shop, and I am like, have you met me?

It is very weird.

Also, the Cambridge Marriott restaurant, Characters, called back, so I went in for a second interview, which was short and weird as well. Is it a good thing when the head guy tells you you have a great personality ("that's not something you can learn in school you know") and only asks you about 3 questions? Though he did say I came "highly recommended" by the first interviewer. We shall see. Everyone wants me to have choices, but they seem to forget that I have such trouble with them. I am much more stressed at the prospect of deciding where to work than when I thought I had only one clear cut option.

So now, I just spent an hour and a half combing the internet for apartments. God I want to be settled in somewhere. Somewhere away from Mom who thinks having to return my videos to the library (let me reiterate, I have no car, and Mumsy doesn't want me to use up gas to just drive there anyway, so how am I supposed to do it myself?)makes me irresponsible and manipulative. Oh yeah, I love to walk all over people. And away from the fighting at my dad and Julia's house. My dad tried to convince me Gay Pride was wrong last night, because it means sexuality isn't "private" anymore. He equated it with someone wanting to tell him about their bathroom activities. I just forced back all the Cultural Studies stuff about taboos, and focused on the Sexual Ethics stuff about homosexual sex seeming more "public" because we are so used to heterosexual sex we don't even see it. He stalked off in anger that I dared to have my own opinion.

Anywho, I am late to go see Megan, and need to both shower and call and yell at (read:politely talk to) the people at U-haul for screwing up my bill.

You know, black is this year's pink.

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 02:35:34 GMT

My mom thinks Tom Selleck is hot. Is that scary or what? At least I know my mom and I will probably not be ogling the same guy.

um...I got a not-so-bad sunburn from Bostoning in a tank top.

Damn it, I just had an idea of what to write, and now it's gone. Screw.

I had yet another talk with my mom about drugs, in which I once again educated her a bit about the life of your average 20 something.

Bah! If I think of it, I will come back after I look for more jobs to apply for.

Wed, 31 May 2006 02:30:21 GMT

So, one might think that after traipsing around the city for 2 weeks, I would be glad of the peace and quiet (and cats) at home. And I was. For about 2 hours. And then the depression came looming back. As always, too much play time alone makes joy very, very bored. And when I am bored, I feel guilty and very lazy.

I made cookies today.

I also debated dieting for a year to be on 2007's America's Next Top Model.

Yeah, once you've played the "let's see how thin we can get" game, it all seems reasonable. Even though I hate getting my picture taken.

But I decided that I'd much rather be a singer/songwriter than a model. Which I knew already. Hmmmm....maybe that means I should touch the piano for the first time in a year......

On the upside, as there is right now, I had two restaurants call me for interviews last week, and I passed both so I have one FINAL INTERVIEW (eek!) on Thursday for Finale (yummy in your tummy if I get the job) and another one for Character's at the Cambridge Marriott sometime soon.

However, I had hoped that this would begin a deluge of call-backs from the 15 places I have applied. Alas, tis not so.

Still, Harvard COOP says I am employable!!! Hell, they even upped the salary $.25/h when I said I couldn't live on minimum wage. Wow.

So, must still get job and then apartment hunt, but I make the progress. The progress of a constipated snail, but still.

Wah! I want more friends in Boston!!!

One more upside before I leave this fractured entry: I didn't go to Anime Boston. I know, I probably would have had a great time had I a) someone to go with, b) the money to go, c) no incredibly horrible associations with said con, as was site of worst ever dumping, or d) no heinous ex and ex-friend who was guaranteed to attend. So while I felt like being masochistic and deeply stupid and going, I went to the concert at the hatch shell (sp? shell which hatches, can't be right) with Susannah, Anna, and Annie. Then to dinner at Happy Buddha in Chinatown. Vegan yumminess.

But, oh! How I miss all of you who are far away!!

The State of My Feet.

Sat, 20 May 2006 00:40:27 GMT

They are ouchie. yes, yes they are. For I have spent 3 days out of the last 5 walking around Boston, trying to get a job. I have only applied 10 places (two of them tea shops, 3 retail, 5 restaurants) but that's a start. It is fun to be in Boston, but exhausting to be pimping myself out all day and scouring the city. At least I met up with Susannah all days, and she helped me find my way (literally, I don't know Boston that well) and gave the moral support.

Having no money sucks. The only thing I bought in three days of shopping was a $4 necklace. And I feel guilty about that. Plus, every time I leave, I have to ask my mom for commuter rail and food money. But, the kitties here are cute, and my mom still has free calling to Canada, so I can harass Montreal friends if I get bored.

Anywho, hopefully I'll get either a boring, well paying job, or a fun job where my parents will have to chip in for living expenses. I applied a few boring, badly paying places just in case. And just writing about my parents possibly giving me more money makes me feel bad. Sheesh.

Also, my mom has decided that she doesn't want me out alone after dark in Boston. yeah, that's going to work. Pooh.

Phliberty-Gibbet

Wed, 10 May 2006 11:32:34 GMT

Sooooo.......Yes. I have not updated in a heap big long time. The long and the short of it is that I am now in Plymouth, with all my stuff, and with a nasty dual case of Strep and Bronchitis. Antibiotics are my friends only when they work.

So goodbye Montreal, at least for a year or so, and hello living with my mom. This is only temporary, I keep telling myself. But I have been sick for two weeks now, and no one really wants to hire someone for waitressing or a tea shop who is hacking up phlegm. So I sit at home, waiting to be not contagious anymore so I can go out and look for a job in the Boston area. The good news is that my mom seems to be intimating that once I find a job, my parents might help me out with first and last month's rent/security deposit. Wahooo! Not living with me mum would be good for the sanity, much as I love her.

Also, here I only have dial-up, and my mumsy needs the phone line during the day for work purposes. Therefore, you will not find me on MSN, AIM, or updating my lj often, methinks. This would have been more interesting if I had more than 7 minutes to write it, I swear.

Plus, I so don't have the guts to call up a certain boy. Meh!

Another Quiz.

Tue, 04 Apr 2006 06:57:16 GMT

I think this may be my favorite so far, cause it's so true.

What's your sexual appeal?

Nerdslut
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I think I'm quizzed out now. Hopefully.

I have stuck in my head a song I wrote years ago when I was still obsessed with a certain boy. I think I shall call it "Some Other Time". It's very corny, as most people's first attempts at songwriting are. And unfinished.

Anywho, Christina called me today, and we talked for over an hour. 'twas lovely. I think I may be able to persuade her to come visit me in Boston, or, perhaps, come live there!!! SQUEEEEEEE!!!! And Vanessa said she would definitely come visit, though I think it's partly the thought of all the manga I left at home that she could borrow swaying her. Huhuhu.

I also had my first Pyshical Therapy appointmnet today, and I actually got up ON TIME!!!! for a 10:00 appt. So impressed with myself. Michelle, my physical thearapist, was quite nice. Turns out I have Bursitis plus Tendonitis on all that surrounds my rotator cuff (sp?). So that's why my shoulder has looked all bruisy for 3 months. And is swollen. My elbow is just dandy by comparison. The deep tissue massage was painful, but hey, I had an ovary curl up and die inside me, so I can take a little muscle pain quite well. And she used ultrasound to dislodge damaged cells and encourage circulation. Ahh, someday I will be able to swim again, I swear. The exercises were kinda fun, though it was alarming that I can barely clasp my hand behind my back now. Mobility = sad. Anywho, that was my main event of the day.

And I made a new new friend!! My next door neighbor Adriane invited me over for a get together for some of her friends on friday, and it was swell. She put out quite the spread.......that sounds so dirty to me. Anywho, should be heading to bed now, as I have double the therapy tomorrow, then none for 6 days. I plan well.

Procrastination

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 20:20:46 GMT

So, I should be getting ready to go drop some classes, I have 55 minutes to go get the form. So what am I doing? I am taking all the Fruits Basket quizes I can find. If I remember correctly, last time I was Kisa with a side of Ritsu. Here are my results so far.

Which Fruits Basket (Furuba) Character are you?

Kisa
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Of course, first result, same as last time. On to the next quiz.

What Fruits Basket Character Are You?

Hosted by theOtaku.com: Anime. Done right.

I get to be Tohru!!! Score!!!!

My top result for the SelectSmart.com selector, What Fruit Basket Character are you?, is Ayame </i>

and Ayame!!! I always wanted to get Ayame as my result! with Hana-chan

as my second most fitted character. I want vibes. Gimme vibe power.

And appartently I am

What Kind of Virgin Are You?

You are a WANNABE NON-VIRGIN.
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To follow this up, I took the quiz to see which Saiyuki character would sleep with me, but the code page won't load. Wah!!

I have mad quiz-taking skills.

My doom isn't even DOOOMY! it's just doom..

Sun, 26 Mar 2006 10:39:37 GMT

Watching more Fruits Basket with Vanessa has put me in a contemplative mood. One of those, if everyone is good, then is it even good anymore, but otherwise, how do you really decide what is right and wrong moods? Ah, questions raised by Kare Kano as well. And they say watching anime doesn't teach you stuff. Ani Difranco has a great song, called "Hour Follows Hour" about this and similar issues, which goes

"You can't really place blame cause blame is much too messy.
Some was bound to get on you when you were trying to put it on me...
Don't fool yourself into thinking things are simple.
Nobody's lying still the stories don't line up....
Maybe the moral high ground ain't as high as they say it is.
Maybe we are both people who've done some bad things.
We just call it like we see it, call it out loud as we can."

The song is about forgiveness, but I've come to feel that I have been too forgiving of a person. It describes how I usually feel about relationships, but I am feeling particularly bitter at the moment. I do have to draw a line somewhere. I was just trained so diligently to see the good in people; I can ignore a lot of crappy behavior. Nancy would just say that I need to get angry and swear and throw pillows around. But it is 5:30 in the morning.

In other news, I learned that it is not just my left speaker that is broken on my computer, but it extend to my headphones when I plug them in. So stereo sound I do not have. It's a bit dissatisfying and disconcerting to only hear with one ear.

Maybe it's just being on the wrong side of the sun with breakfast plans for 10:00 this morning.

I do not think this is an entry that will receive many comments. What does one say to such things?

I like making people laugh and stare.

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 19:05:08 GMT

Yes, so Vanessa and I went to 3 Amigos for my birthday dinner, and it was most excellent. See, they give you a sombrero if it's your birthday, but you have to be sung to, which I didn't want. But fortunately, they were too busy to sing, so I got my sombrero without the singing!! Plus, they gave me an excellent flan. And I wore the thing (the hat, not the flan) all the way home, which was very interesting in itself.
It was a 25 minute walk home, so that was a lot of silly hat wearing. When we were still near the restaurant, some very nice girls, who obviously knew the city well, saw the hat and yelled "Happy Birthday!!". Of course, the farther we got from the restaurant, the more stares I got. But a lot of people just burst out laughing when they saw me, which made me amused. It was my gift to Montreal on my birthday, to amuse people with a silly hat. Of course, there were the drunken packs of boys who though it was very clever to shout "Ole!" and such. My favorite was the last group, in which no one said anything at first, until one guy had the courage to say something stupid. After that, his friends were just like, "Oh cool, we can all say something stupid. That would make us very cool!" So the next one asked me, "What is your hat called?" Another useful comment was "Andele, andele!" (how do you spell that?). Then they passed by, manhood reaffirmed and very proud of themselves. We laughed quite a bit at them.

Also, there was the strange woman who wanted to buy my hat. I told her I rather liked it, so no. Then she proposed to borrow it. As she seemed a little off her rocker (the guy she was with was studiously pretending he didn't know her) I declined. But now I wonder, how much would she have offered? Just how much did she want my sombrero? And why?

All the same, I get to go out to dinner with Aasit, John, and Lin tonight as a makeup for them not coming last night. So perhaps I will get sung to by waiters after all. But I doubt I will get anything as cool as my sombrero.

I feel special.

Fri, 24 Mar 2006 16:50:57 GMT

Well, all my moping was for naught, because so far, my birthday has been swell. Vanessa was still here at midnight (actually, she was still here at 4 AM) and she lit me sparklers and gave me a giant Kinder egg. We drank and watched the last episodes of Kimi was petto and lit more sparklers that are illegal in Massachusetts. Indoors even. We walk on the wild side. Wait, I am going to light one now. Sugoi! So pretty.

And tonight hopefully we go out a little, then come back and chill here.

Much more optimistic.

I feel the doom approaching.

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 09:33:56 GMT

I was sitting here, wondering why I felt so empty after watching 2 episodes of Kimi wa petto w/ Vanessa and actually getting some work done. And it dawned on me; I have an excuse! That's right, tomorrow is hell day. I know, I know. It's suposed to be the one day of the year when I can do whatever I want. That's what everyone says. But in the past I've usually spent the day secluding myself from people so I don't have to deal with anything on the-day-that-must-not-be-named. Plus there was the year my hair caught on fire on my cake. And the year I was so depressed I stayed home from school and didn't eat all day. But last year was good. I had a small gathering at my apartment, and I had fun. But I don't have the energy to entertain nor the money. So it looks like I and a select few (probably even less than planned since I just invited two people just last night) will just go to a pub and then come chill at my house. Silver lining: I get money from some of my family. I get to have my friends actually all hang out together. Aasit offered to arrange everything w/ the help of Lin so that I would not have to stress (although I don't expect much: the last person to offer this was she-who-must-not-be-named, and she did not follow through. If you don't know who I mean, then good, I haven't complained that much to you over the years.)

God I love parentheses.

Anywho, issues, issues, I have what you Americans call issues.

Mostly I am just still to concerned with trying to make other people happy, and there is just too much build up. I hate all holidays (except possibly St. Patrick's Day) for the same reason: you are supposed to feel good, and if you don't, you almost inevitably feel kinda crappy. I like normal days. No big expectations. No hooplah. Or doing something really random that has nothing to do with the holiday. Hmmm.... I think I am cranky for a myriad of reasons actually. But I shall try to just do whatever the hell I want and not feel bad about it. Ah, I always feel much better after ranting.