| What's With Today Today? |
[May. 19th, 2009|12:56 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Teddy Goldstein, "Belgium Girls" | ] |
Oh yeah, updates on people. I am so over Matt. He is over and done with, but I stil had fun hanging out with him and Shiho. Though I think that will be the last time for that. I finally explained all the shit he's pulled to her, and made her angry in that good, no longer feel bad about yourself way. I feel better too. Finally, not conflicted!
Assishness is assishness.
Also, Shinobu hasn't been hanging out with me. We have a pile of movies to watch together!!!!! She can't stop liking me now, the movies deserve to be watched! Overreacting, she and I talked today and it was good, but she doesn't seem to want to hang out anymore. Booh. |
|
|
| So I asked the light of the day, what's this rush for heaven? |
[May. 19th, 2009|12:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | so very | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Strokes, "Automatic Stop" | ] |
LeakyCon and Anime Boston in one weekend and I am attending neither! Well, Alex, whom I geeked out with last year is not very communicative anymore. But I shall still hang out with zuzuanni and get schnokered hopefully, maybe even catch some wrock that one does not need a pass for. Shiho plans to sell Japanese stuff, with my help of course, so it's a pity we were too late for the dealer's room this year. Yay hello kitty face masks to prevent the pig flu! Scared parents are fun. Is it wrong that the only things that really interest me about AB are the many wondrous stuffs you can buy and the chance to sing in Japanese? Well, and sometimes the Japanese bands. Damn it, I need karaoke! I've already got Sakura Sake (by Arashi) mostly down, and Sho-kun's rap part is damn hard. Rapping about the flowers that are us. Waiting to bloom. With love. Heehee! I swear, if Japan weren't so damn misogynistic and conformist in its culture, I would already be living there. Still, if Yuki and Hide do still get hitched this year, Akihabara, here I come! I'll go trolling for nice, dorky but socially-ept boys.
In other news, therapy goes well. Doing the Internal Family Systems thing again, and, as before, it works for me. Maybe the divide between what I know in my head and how I feel can be breached after all. I also joined a DBT group. The skills are kick-ass, but, well, a lot of people don't seem to grasp the concept, and, *sigh*, the one guy in the group insists on walking me home every time and asking me to coffee. I hate when I feel not listened to. Awkward, and of course I blame myself. Do I ever not? Well, honestly, yes, sometimes I don't. Almost had to go into day treatment cause I was so freaked out. Apparently I have a thing with feeling "trapped", and yes, issues with pleasing the opposite sex, go those too.
I would just decide to sleep with girls, but lately I've been more attracted to guys again.
But seriously, I feel ashamed because a guy asked me out inappropriately? That is so not right. I think I shall blame my parents....
Enough of the mess, it is just bred by the boredom. Need to hang out with more people, *ahem*, Smar and other localites? That would be a cleverly disguised invitation.
I think I shall begin drinking Mike's on a regular basis. Tastes like being 17 again.... |
|
|
| Can money pay for all the days I've lived awake but half asleep? |
[Feb. 25th, 2009|10:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Postal Service, "Nothing Better" | ] |
So I kinda caved when Matt came over to talk, cause he just looked so sad when he realized he had broken our friendship. Then again, he tried to convince that it is totally normal to make fun of fat chicks, and that ANY guy would make fun of his friend for screwing one. Wow. I think I feel my backbone regrowing as I type. I miss hanging out with him, really, but seriously? Who wants to be around that kind of hate? And he says he has the right to hurt people basically cause he's been hurt, and was picked on as a kid. Shiho so did not get the raw end of the deal when he dumped her. And yet, I can't help but remember his good points, and it just makes me sad.
In good news, my insurance came through, and will actually pay for all my medications!!!! Waaaahooooo!!!! Wait, that is me being psyched with an insurance company for doing the right thing. Eh well, still happy.
I think I ate fruit and veggies so sparingly that now when I eat a lot of them, my digestion rebels. My tummy hurts cause I ate so many apples. Wah! How am I supposed to get healthy when eating healthy makes me sick? Grrrrrr. And other various sounds. It's amazing how feeling physically crappy screws with your mental health. Then again, I've just pulled myself out of another low, pretty darn quickly actually.
In other news, I finally e-mailed my prof. with a new schedule for finishing up my incomplete. A less crazy one. Kudos to me. The chocolate covered ones.
Has anyone else noticed this has become my personal pep-up space? Well, it's still better than 100% depressing all the time. Joie radio. Had a QotSA flashback there.
So, anywho, love to all, and to all a good night. |
|
|
| You learned it from your mother, and her from her mother before. |
[Feb. 23rd, 2009|08:52 pm] |
hahahaha. My roommies are laughing at me, cause my glasses fell off my face cause they were already broken in one place, and they broke at the bridge, and the lens fell out. I had to search for it with a flashlight. Thank the gods that Shinobu likes fixing small things with scotch tape.
I'm also listening to the Moulin Rouge version of "Like a Virgin", and I never really realized how hysterical it is. There's a part where a character is screaming "Like a virgin!" repeatedly in a very high voice. Most excellent. Listen to it now, I command you! With stripey feet do I command you.
And how much do I love talking about gender with people from other countries? As frustrating as it is, talking with Shiho was great! And we watched Les Triplettes de Bellville, which I hadn't seen in the longest time. This means I remembered another song that I lost with my old computer, so yays! I can get it now!
Also, my therapist and I are starting to get each other. It's kinda reassuring when someone actually points out that my issues come from somewhere, that they weren't all constructed by me. That I actually learned some things from the complete lack of healthy boundaries with my parents. I know blaming your parents is a cop out, but as someone who tends to think of everything as her fault (Stone used to make a game of it with me. "Tornadoes?" "My fault." "The Black Death?" "Oh, totally my fault." I could come up with elaborate reasons why too.) Guess it's a much practiced skill. Oh, that makes it less funny to me. Anywho, without blame, I can finally start to see my behaviors as learned, and try learning new ones. It's scary, but to actually imagine a world in which I am myself and think of my own needs instead of just other people's, where I can actually really believe I am good, is like imagining not being caged and contorted with no way to get free. I can't even imagine how wonderful it would be to live without that weight. If I rock this much now, think of how awesome I could be then! Sorry, self pep-talk.
And mind-reading, what's up with that? I mean the negative and destructive assumptions you make about how people view you, without any evidence, not psychics. I was in a low place for a couple days, and seriously, therapy is so the answer, at least for me. And friends. I love my wonderfully imperfect friends because they teach me to love my wonderfully imperfect self. In other news, I so agree with those commercials that say that depressed people would so much rather have a visible sickness. It's hard to explain to people why I'm going on disability. Mais, courage mon amour. Believing in self: engaged. At least for the moment. And I will try to live in the moment, thanks to Cecile. And Xtina. God, I love the people I love!
Now, I have cannelloni in the microwave, so I must bid you adieu, dear journal and journal friends. |
|
|
| But what good is a heart gone jaded? |
[Feb. 12th, 2009|10:04 pm] |
By the way, Shinobu likes Austen adaptations too! And she's almost as into anime and manga as I am! Squee!!!
Updates, yes. I finally got all my paperwork in for disability, and I e-mailed my prof about my paper, and she was like, relax, you have a whole year to complete the work technically! Woo-hoo!!! Responsibleness, check!
In the less Woo-hoo parts of my life, I have a sprained ankle and, apparently a fatty liver. Zuzuanni has suggested that my liver be sold on the black market, so I will have to beware of poachers/hunters. Foie gras. Ew. So alchy is largely banned, and I may have to change one of my psych meds. And forced losing of the weight is kinda scary to me, but timely I suppose. Last year even I would have freaked out a lot more about it. I read all my old posts with my codewords for my unhealthy behavior, and I guess it proves to me that I've made a ton of progress. Actually having to give myself credit? Kinda cool if uncomfortable.
Plus, I have awesome friends. So that helps a lot.
In more of the uncool though, my insurance has decided I need prior authorization for my more expensive medications. Way to go privatized health care! So now I have to try to get my step-mom to get me samples. But I actually talked to her today, and realized that she wants my love as much as I want her to treat me well. Maybe someday I'll even talk to her about my feelings someday. Who knows. I'm so angry at my parental figures about the past that it scares the bejeezus out of me. But, I'm finally beginning to think of dealing with that somehow, instead of just turning it all on myself. Hmmm. Too serious. But still, that is a hell of a lot of progress. Gee, just look at me being positive!
Kinda creepy actually. But since I do not fear being seen as vapid, (don't even get me started on Mr. You Act Like a Ditsy Co-ed, who I have finally decided is not charming enough to get away with the shit he does. Is anyone THAT charming? I think not) I think being happy more is really ok with me. Much, much more fun. Ooh, and watch as I draw mature boundaries and set limits with people who treat me badly.
Is this getting sickly self-pep-talky? Ah well, Dollhouse premieres tomorrow!!! So excited!!!!!! |
|
|
| Are you out there? Can you hear me? |
[Feb. 8th, 2009|08:52 pm] |
I thought it fitting that I return with a Dar Williams reference.
I need to upload new userpics! Oh yeah, and hi to anyone who is still out there in my lj community. I don't even want to know how long it's been since I wrote. I figure at least a year and a half. Soooo.... Yuki went back to Japan, as she is planning to marry Hide (oh the scary. It's not that I don't think he's great. More that I have issues with the mentality she has to live with that an unmarried girl of 27 had better get going and start a family, oh just don't get me started about the depressingness of America being a bastion of Feminism). But hopefully I'll save up enough money, from where I don't know, to go to Japan for their wedding. And Shiho moved out a month or two ago. She was sick of the landlord, Moe. Is there anyone who is not sick of a misogynist who likes to come into the apartment without asking and never fixes anything, but thinks he can swear and yell at me all he likes? Wow, I like run-ons. So the couple is still here, but Karina is now friendly, at least to girls, and we talk and get this, laugh. I know, weird huh? I have a new roommie, Shinobu (yes, she's Japanese too. No, I did not try to get another Japanese roommate) who loves Buffy and Angel, and has seen a ton of my DVDs. She's sweet and hangs out with me when I'm bored. We have still to watch Dr. Horrible together, but it shall come, I swear. If you, by any remote chance, have not seen Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, I command you to go to Hulu at once and watch it. Oh, how you will thank me. My brother gave me the DVD for Christmas, wonderful present giver that he is. He also gave me a gift certificate to buy the second Whomping WIllows cd. God (if she exists) bless my dorky, non-judgmental brother who has decided he wants to talk to my therapist to see what he can do to help me get better. I can't decide whether the fact that I'm really, really touched means I expect too little of people. I'll go with no for now.
I survived another holiday season. No, it was not fun. No, I could not muster up the mask of happiness or interest even when at the annual Russian Chrismukah party. But I went. God I do so much better on my own.
Enough of that. I am doing so very well. I didn't write my paper this week for my Beyond Heterosexuality incomplete, and you know what? I made the choice to just stay happy. I love that that is sometimes a choice now. I fall back, but I keep getting up again. *cue inspirational montage* Wait, that was way too close to Chumbawumba. Mostly, I have knocked down the last refuge of all that protective self-hatred by actually going on a date. Or something. The point was, I faced fears, and I'm even letting myself feel good about that.
In other news, I am applying for disability, which might finally give me the chance to work out my issues once and for all and work on myself without so much financial pressure. It will take 3-6 months, and not really give me anywhere near enough to live on, but still, it could help. I can stop trying to do things that I'm not ready for and pushing myself so very hard and having to deal with everyone acting surprised when I fail repeatedly. Breaking that cycle seems very nice to me. Joy actually giving herself a break? So unusual! Joy talking in the 3rd person, not unusual at all. You know, reading my old entries has given me even more perspective. I'm verging on truly content with myself. Weird. And nice. |
|
|
| A New Drinking Game? or Prefects Are Really Freakin' Hot |
[Jan. 2nd, 2008|01:25 am] |
I am an addict now. Oh, don't worry, not that kind. No, no. My recent addictions are far more insidious. That's right, first off, I have discovered www.mysoju.com and have been watching season 2 of Hana Yori Dango soooooo much. All day on my day off. I'm almost finished. Of course, before that it was season 4 of The L Word, and before that Liar Game. And now I have spent the last hour and a half playing Guitar Hero. Soooo much fun. Ok, I'm still on easy, but hooo hoo hoo, I have finally gotten to the point where I get the concept, so I'm steadily improving. Yay for when Smar gets back, for we shall have little time and much to do. Daniel also got me super mario kart for Christmas, so the video game fun continues. In the meantime, did I use any of my one day off this week to study for my Japanese exams? Not bloody likely. Not yet anyway. I must get chikaku to my textbook soon. *Tuk* I think the drinking game that Vanessa and I made up for Fushigi Yuugi will work just fine for Hana Yori Dango, with a few alterations of course. It mostly involved us drinking whenever someone cried out the name of the person they were in love with. Try it and you will see how effective it is with Japanese dorama as well. But I think every time Domyouji hits someone, yells "AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!" or calls a girl ugly, I should also drink. Maybe I shall put this to the test.
In other news, zuzuanni has ensnared me more into the world of wizard rock, and I have become obsessed with The Whomping Willows and The Moaning Myrtles today. With a side of Draco and the Malfoys (come on, "Tom Felton's Kinda Hot" and "My Dad Is Rich" are awesome songs!). So I command you, go to youtube right now and listen to some wonderfully giddy-making music. You won't regret it.
Shiho went back to Japan for two months, but her friend is supposed to be moving in, though she has yet to call me for the key. I have been working far too much, but at least making some decent money. Working at Park Plaza and then New Year's right after was scary. So, yes, I spent my New Year's Eve working. Oh, me.
Did you know that the name for the stuff you cough up when you're sick is sputum? WHat an appropriate word. All the same, I am not sick, except when I cough, it comes out brownish green. NOT a good sign. So I go see my doctor next week, if I can get off work, and she will probably just say, "Stop smoking!!!". Easier said than done.
My fingees get cold, but I hope to write soon. Now, back to the wonderful F4 of myth and legend. Must watch all the episodes!
But you know they call me Moaning Myrtle for a reason. Hee! |
|
|
| Of all the weird crappy behavior.... |
[Nov. 29th, 2007|05:45 am] |
So I just had to post about this. I ordered some manga from Amazon and it never came. Well, one book came, but that was the one that was actually put in my mailbox. So eventually, I called up amazon, they sent me another set, and apoligized profusely. I had, of course, checked with the post office. And they said, well, would anyone want to steal your package. And realizing that this was Yaoi, or rather BL manga (that`s guy on guy action for those of you who have not discovered its wonder yet), I laughed. Well, I said to several friends, if they opened it, they probably would have put it right back. Well, sort of. I just went down to check if some cds I ordered came in, and I thought, well, maybe I`ll check the trash room just in case. Did I find my cds? No. But I did find one of the manga, in an opened amazon box. Let me emphasize that I there were 3 books in that order. So someone in my building not only likes to steal, but took all but that one book. Which I really just cannot understand, as it was, I thought, one of the better ones I ordered. So someone has new coffee table books that are a great conversation starter (oh, so you like guys, do you? Oh, I just stole these from a neighbor on a lark.)or has been inaugurated into the world of BL, for their own good. Not what I was expecting, but hey, now miss Xtina gets free smut for xmas. She will be much pleased.
In other news, I had to go to the hospital Monday night because of a high fever. I have been diagnosed with acute bronchitus, which they suspect is at least one viral infection and a bacterial infection, because my white blood cell count was rather high. So I finally get time off work to sit around and cough my lungs out. Oh, the me.
Of course, this means I have to worry about those Edie Carey CDs, which should have come by now. Screw! |
|
|
| I wish I was as cool as Yuki Eiri. |
[Nov. 7th, 2007|02:04 pm] |
So here I sit, again on the porch, for the use of Shiho`s computer and the internet. Someday I too will have a lap top. Did you know there is a Gackt song called Pappa lapped a Pap Looped? Or something like that. Look for it on You Tube, I command you! Actually, my new favorite Gackt song is Emu~For My Dears. But what does that have to do with the price of eggs.
I don`t feel so well. I thought that you should know. I thought that you should know that I don`t feel so well. Anywho, yes, I have missed classes now, and yes, my therapist and I won`t be seeing each other much longer (because she`s doing a research study), but hey, I keep making it to work, even if I am perpetually late. Otherwise, not much to tell. Thanksgiving is coming up, which means working even more than usual, and a hectic visit to my mom`s.
Watched Firefly with Daniel. Good man. And am a bit tipsy. And mustmemorize around 40 japanese words and do 10 pages in the workbook. Bah. Meh. And other three letter sounds. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
mlle_joie's journal
pensive
contemplative
bouncy
sick
cold